Do You Know What Grinds My Gears? Halloween Hoes

Do You Know What Grinds My Gears? Halloween Hoes

I love Halloween: I genuinely believe that I was put on this planet to smother myself in liquid latex and artificial blood and drag my feet around, pretending to be a dead child. Why else would I be a 24 year old who looks half my age? There must be a reason I was given these youthful genes, amiright? And it’s definitely not be one of those Halloween hoes.

With that in mind, do you know what really grinds my gears? Heading out into Chiang Mai on Halloween, having splattered your white-tiled bathroom with cheap, gloopy, 60 baht blood, partially blinded by your creepy contact lenses that are making your eyes stream, white face paint clogging your pores, fully aware that you’re going to be stained for a minimum of three days, to find that at least half of the population of your town seemed to have misunderstood the concept of Halloween, and have come in a great representation of Halloween hoes.

What is Halloween?

There are two opinions of the origins of modern day Halloween. Firstly, it can be believed that it comes from the Celtic festival of Sahmain, the day that marked the transition between the harvest season and Winter. It has the association with the undead due to the belief that this seasonal transition acted as a bridge to the ‘otherworld’, ergo it was quite a sinister and somber event. The alternative, and most widely recognised belief its of the connections with All Hallow’s Eve, the night before the three-day celebration of Allhallowtide, when people look back on their dead, and pay them respect.

What are Halloween hoes?

You’ll notice that there is a significant correlation between the 31st of October and the dead, so WHY ON EARTH do people insist on dressing up as a slutty maid, fairy, animal, and so on?! You quite literally look like a hoebag, and sure, if that’s the look you want to go for, good on you, but I would much rather attract attention and intelligent conversation because of my quite frankly, awesome make-up that I spent 2 hours on, rather than because I’m wearing a Disney princess costume that cost me £40 and barely covers my arse cheeks. I see that you’re a maid, did your master go insane in his mansion and attack you with a kitchen cleaver? Beeeeep, it’s a no from me. I see that you’ve dressed as Cinderella, did your pumpkin carriage shrink with you inside, crushing your cranium causing your brains to leak out of your ears, and a zombie virus to take over your rotting corpse? Nuh-uh, I don’t think so. I mean, even dressing up as a cat is pushing it. I am of course, a huge fan of Thackery Binx aka hottest cat this side of the 90s (sorry Salem), so I understand the appeal of a cat, but let’s face it, a majority of the ‘cats’ that we see out on Halloween are done as a last minute, half-arsed effort to look cute and sexy.

I have a fair few UK friends who went for the Disney Princess recycled outfit approach, but they completed it with copious amounts of fake blood. I was alays under the impression that American’s were the Halloween stars, that they go all out on house parties and Trick or Treating, particularly if that episode of Buffy is anything to go by (the one when they turn into their costumes, obviously). However, the worst part of this, is that from my experience being out in Chiang Mai, and from my Facebook News Feed (i.e. the world press), a majority of these costume-less culprits seem to be American. I felt personally let-down as my standards were pretty high, but the best costumes I encountered on my Halloween adventure, were all made by the Brits. I obviously include myself and my wonderful housemate in this category, due to the sheer number of photographs we had to pose for with terrified Thai people.

So, if you’re an American who only went half hog this Halloween, I want you to sit in the corner, and think about what you’ve done. You’ve let yourself down, your family down, and most of all, you’ve let me down.

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