Thoughts That Every Woman Has When Catching A Flight

Thoughts That Every Woman Has When Catching A Flight

In August, I flew home, and had to spend 10 hours in Bangkok airport before catching a flight. It was overnight, and I slowly lost what was left of my mind. To pass the time I knocked together a couple of posts, including this one. It had occurred to me that I have a certain way of thinking and doing things on flights, especially if it’s a long haul. At the time, I thought that this was pretty funny, but like I say I was incredibly sleep-deprived.

In The Airport Before Catching A Flight

“Right, must hurry, must hurry, I don’t want to miss my flight. I need to be there 3 hours before it leaves to give myself PLENTY of time to check in my baggage and get through security.”

“No, I don’t have any of the banned items in my baggage. No I did not let anybody pack it for me. Do you think I’m stupid? Ugh… Wait, do I have any of them? Have I accidentally picked up a gun? Oh my God, what if someone HAS tampered with my baggage? Has there been a time when they could have?!”

“OK security, let’s have you. Why on Earth did I bury my laptop so deep in my bag when I knew that I had to take it out? Idiot. Please don’t beep, please don’t beep, please don’t beep – I really don’t want to have to make the awkward conversation/smile/bad joke whilst that woman comes dangerously close to grabbing my boob.”

“Ooh, duty free, maybe I’ll treat myself to some new perfume, or some make-up… Nope, definitely not. Remember, just because you’re here does not mean that your bank account has miraculously filled up. But look at that lipstick! It’s a perfect shade for me. I deserve this, I definitely deserve this. Nope, I definitely don’t. You’re a lipstick, how are you duty free but still costing £20?”

“Alrighty then, let’s check my flight schedule. Excellent, my gate doesn’t open for another two hours – why did I get here so early? When will I learn? Three hours is just TOO MUCH TIME.”

“Yaaaaas boarding time! I must get to the front of the queue! I will fight you elderly lady for that space at the front of the queue! I am more deserving than you! I do not care that we all have allocated seats! I must be first!”

On The Flight

“Come onnn window seat, I am holding out for a window seat. Yes! Brilliant, now I can feel slightly more private as I stare out at a vast expanse of clouds and/or completely black sky.”

“Oh no, I think that my hand luggage is too big for the overhead lockers. OK, it’s fine, act cool, make sure that the cabin crew don’t notice as you struggle to lift it over your head. Shit, is she looking at me? SHE KNOWS. SHE KNOWS THE TRUTH. I’m doomed, they’re going to kick me off the flight.”

“WHY YES, THANK YOU RANDOM MAN, I WILL TAKE YOUR OFFER OF LIFTING MY BAG FOR ME. My hero!”

“Why are these tray tables so small? You would think that they would make them big enough to actually hold everything on the meal tray. How can I possibly cut my chicken in *insert sauce name* without either knocking all my food/my drink on the floor, or elbowing the person next to me in the ribs?”

“OK, time to get comfy and sleep. What angle can I put my neck at to slightly resemble comfort? Let me try this way… nope. This way? Nope. Right little pillow, I am relying on you. Why are you so thin? I wonder how many people before me have used this tiny pillow made of air and broken dreams? Gross.”

“Well that was a slightly refreshing sleep. Oh no, I’ve dribbled. Was I sleeping with my mouth open? Did people see? Oh wow, my neck is SORE, what angle did I fall asleep at? Oh man I feel so sweaty and unclean and gross, I would love a shower right now.”

“Uh oh, I need a pee. I knew there was a reason I went for an aisle seat last time. Oh no, the man/woman next to me is asleep. Do I wake them? Or shall I go for a stealth climb? What if they wake up when I’m midway through climbing, and they have my crotch in their face. Nobody wants that. OK, I’ll just have to hold it in, sorry bladder.”

“Hmm, maybe I’ll have a drink. It won’t help the bladder situation, but it will distract me. How do I get the attention of the cabin crew. I feel so rude pushing the button! I’ll just try and catch his/her eye. Come on, look at me… look at me. Oh no, what if they think I’m eye flirting? Oh bloody hell, I give up, I’ll push the stupid button. Oh my that’s loud, aha! It’s woken up my neighbour!”

After The Flight

“OK people, let’s hustle, my neck is sore enough without having to stand at this bizarre angle whilst I try to get out of my seat. Oh hello again elderly woman, damn straight you’re going to let me out before you… OK maybe that was a bit mean, off you go, you’re actually kind of adorable.”

“Why is it so warm in immigration? It is always SO warm in immigration! Give me fresh air! We’ve been on a flight for the last *insert time here* hours!”

“Look at this queue. I am going to be here for the rest of my life. I need a pee, I’m sweating all over, but I can’t take any layers off because I have no hands free to carry my jumper.”

“Where is my luggage? Why has it not come round the carousel yet? Is it lost forever? Right, one of the airport staff have stolen it. My stuff is probably already on eBay.”

“There it is! Yes, it survived! OK, here it comes, get ready to grab it. Out of my way people! I will take you out with my suitcase if I have to! Clear a space!”

“Do I have anything to declare? I don’t think I do… but what actually counts as something that I need to declare? What if I did have anything, how would they know? How would I know? Oh no, am I breaking the law without even realizing it?”

“OH SWEET FREEDOM.”

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7 Comments

  1. Very funny. Anger management perhaps? Reminds me of someone roughly 6 years your senior.
    Good reading, as ever.

    Reply
    • Hang on. Who does it remind you of?!

      Like the queue one. I’m so there with you, reassigned seats be damned.

      Reply
  2. Love this. You are QUITE the hilarious little brit, darling. Keep it up and keep the posts coming! xoxo

    Reply
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    Reply
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      Reply
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